A Clevelander’s Surival Guide To Florida

I have been a lifelong Clevelander. (Except for a time when I lived in Brooklyn…that’s an entirely different article.)

If you are Clevelander and you want to come down to Florida there are a few things you will need to know before you head down here.

Bring sunscreen – duh. My precious Cleveland skin wasn’t used to the sun and the first day I was here I got these tiny blisters on my fingers. After getting them checked out, I found out that it was a type of eczema brought on by not being used to the sun..it’s called dihydrosis.  Don’t worry it will go away or you can prevent it by using sunscreen on your hands.

Make sure the A/C in your car works. People will look at you funny if you have your car windows open in 90 degree weather.  They will know you are not opening your car windows to get fresh air…it’s because you really didn’t make sure your air conditioner was charged before you left for Florida.

If you want to fit in, don’t wear shorts in 60 degree weather.

Learn how to pronounce words so they sound Spanish.  Boca Raton should be pronounced Bow-ka Ra-tone. Clevelanders pronounce it Boca Ratan.

Pop is still pop down here unless you run into a New Yorker who will still call it Soda.

After an hour of watching TV you will see around 15 ads for lawyers. Personal injury lawyers. Tim Misney is not known here in South Florida.

In Cleveland the bars close at 2am. In some parts of South Florida…they don’t close. Especially Miami.

Watch the weather before you go into the Ocean. They usually give jellyfish warnings or warnings about the currents.

Be prepared to pay more for some things and less for others. Fruit is cheap. Razor blades are not.

Don’t say “Where is this rain coming from? – when it’s sunny. It even rains  while the sun is shining.

If it rains wait 5 minutes. It will probably stop.

If you are a man, bring condoms.

If you are a woman bring condoms.

If you are a condom….you’re screwed.

If you are married, you are single.

If you are single, you are one lucky bastard.

I’m sure there is more to come to this Clevelander’s Survival Guide to Florida.

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